Even Angels can Burn in Hell

 How many moon cycles have been, since I've been repeating the same dream?

Over and over and over and over again?

How many moon cycles since you've been gone?

Enough to fill the sky with stars?

Is there a version of this forsaken universe where you're still here?

Oh my angel, why did you walked a path where the fires burn the hardest?

This guilt is taking a toll, why didn't I do anything?

Is it really my fault?

I tried to walk that same path, but I'm not brave enough.

To walk into the valley of war, where despair takes hold for eternity.

Wished things were differently.

Probably my guilt would take a different form instead.

Of missing and longing, instead it's helplessness of not understanding of why you're gone.

It burns my flesh every night where I bathe in this lake of fire, where dreams die and loneliness settles in the back of my mind, so that I live to see another day. 

Oh my angel, I will always long for you to comeback.

I know it's futile.

The path you took is an one way exit of this existence.

I miss you, wished I could've been there for you.

5 Years Later

It's been 5 years.

Oh how time flies.

People come and go. 

And you just don't get how different you become.

Peace is just second nature. 

It feels good. 

It feel liberating. 

It's addicting. 

Just being the owner life. 

Who would of thought that the best way to achieve this with the help of others? Specifically your family. 

I've seen people toak about living alone, or learn to do for yourself and love yourself! They are right, sorta. It's unfortunate that us humans we need company. To be together it's a strength that made us go so far until now eh? I wished I could've learned this earlier. But the mistakes of our past is what shapes us for the future. 

I wished people learned more of this great feeling, the world wouldn't be so melodramatic. Just keeping your hijinks to yourself, just spending time with your closed ones or the closest one to you... You. 

I always thought 5 years was a short time. But things I've learned and keep learning always stays. Trust your instincts, that gut feeling called common sense.

 Remember that our past shapes us. Hopefully the path we continue to walk is the golden road to the next step. 

And I hope it stays that way until the end. 

Morning thoughts

Ahh yes, Sunday morning. This feeling of being lazy and not wanting to do anything. I've thinking about emotions, like every other day... again, and well... I've come to a realization.

After having a huge talk with this little flower, about myself, because normally she is the one talking about herself. I came to the conclusion even if I tell that little flower how I feel, it will never be reciprocated. Why do I keep wasting my time? And giving my feelings away for free.

I tried to tell her indirectly, but I'm not sure if she didn't get it or she just didn't want to respond. I hate when this happens, she simply doesn't see my as a potential dating partner. Maybe it's because I'm too nice? I always ask, what's wrong with me, but I get the answer that nothing is wrong.

I hate being too clingy, thank god I don't act like one. She'll maybe never want me as a partner, but still I wish to have hope. I want  to have hope. I wished I had this, I really do. But it seems that sometimes people don't deserve it. It has happened before, like me crushing on someone, but I always get nothing back.

I wished she could see me different, as someone to love, rather than a really good friend. When was the last time a I felt something like this for anyone? Years? When I was still in University? Yeah kinda way back for me to care.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I wished feelings didn't exist. It would make this easier.

But still I somewhat have some hope, that someday I will be recognized, but I will not make it my priority and have any expectations.

Today I'm going to disappear from any form a chat and social media. I need to stay alone just for today. I need to breath.

Ultimate Happiness

Today was a good day.

I wasn't feeling overwhelmed.

 Slowly but surely I'm accepting what is not going to be.

I stopped caring what I say to her.

My jokes are evolving.

My sense of humor is kinda becoming darker.

Sex jokes are becoming a staple.

Her influence is still huge.

But that's just a a normal friendship.

What I learned this week is huge.

Girls can tell that you have amazing pros.

But if in your cons there's something they don't like, you will be undateable.

Even if you have the best personality.

Even if you're nice.

But only that they don't like your hair, your undatable.

It's not the case with me, just an example.

But the idea is there.

Maybe I'll never give my parents what they deserve.

8 more years to end it.

I'm sorry all for being selfish.

But for now I will live.

It's 8 years that anything can happen..

But my overall goal is having a family.

I want to.

I don't care if I get called a virgin until I'm married.

That it's my ultimate happiness.

Melancholic Zest

Maybe if your heart is on the other side of the road.

I'm going to accept it.

I'm going to accept that maybe I'm going to be alone.

Loneliness is just a transient feeling.

When I get buried, nothing will matter anymore.

I'm going to try to find my happiness in myself.

Because that's what other people would do.

Why do my mood fluctuates with what you do with me, even though we are just friends?

I hate this feeling, because it only brings me pain.

I'm just going to accept it.

I need to work on myself and accept it.

Accepting that things won't go further.

Accepting that this is not going to happen.

Accepting stuff happens

People happens

They stay, they leave

I need to find myself.

I want to find myself.

I need to find a common ground.

Between me and heart.

I need logic and decisions.

I wished this was not such a pain.

I wished things were different.

I wished circumstances were different.

I wished I would've known you earlier.

Things would been different.

Maybe this is a just a petty dream.

But it's fime.

Dreaming is fine.

Eldest Treasure at Cardinal Age

Having feelings for you is hard.

When you don't even know how I feel.

Even though I am so close to you,

But yet so far. As If a bird is flying

Across the skies with grace and lands

Just to take a rest.

I wish I could tell you, but you will just ignore.

And my heart made glass will break,

as our friendship disseminate thin into the air.

As you forget who I am.

And I will turn into just another story,

Another chapter of our life.

I won't tell you how I feel.

I will just love in silence.

As I fade away seeing you with a better other half.

I hate having no experience in this.

Why did I neglected my opportunities to learn how to love?

In this school called life,

Where people don't want to compromise.

Where sex is better than having feelings.

What people could get more easily in the past.

Is lost forever through the sands of time.

As the fish is quickly snapped out of his nest, by an eel.

I will break, because I don't know how to feel.

I don't know what I want.

I want to know what I want.

I think I know what I need.

Why does it has to be an option?

When it should be a necessity?

Why can't I love you more than a friend?

Why does it never reciprocate?

Is the snail always too late wherever it walks?

Why in my life, I cross path with amazing people.

That I wish I could love intimately.

But it's always friendship.

I will just settle with friendship.

Even if it hurts, because your happiness is important.

Why am I thinking in a such a toxic way?

Haven't I learned anything?

Is being like this wrong?

I hate having no experience.

My opportunity to love vanished.

As I neglected that part of my life.

Where soulless works, and lifeless games were more important.

Even after through all that, I love our friendship.

And I hope that you're happy.

I wish you're happy.

Even if my mental sanity will go ape shit.

I will overcome this, as I watch you move more away from me.

Maybe I'm to needy.

I wished I learned how to love.

I hate having these feelings.

I hate drama, that's because I won't tell you.

Even if you're more happy without me.

Even if you don't like me that way.

I will accept it with all my heart.

Truly yours~